Cold Fingers

Today is the first snow of the year here in South Dakota. 

The ground is warm so all the sidewalks and roads and driveways are perfectly clear, but we have snow covered trees and grass and parked cars. It’s not even cold in the house. It’s after two thirty and I just turned the heat on because I’d like to be warmer, but it’s not so cold. 

I found interesting blogs today and revisited some of my old topics. I looked into lots of local goodies online, and it seems that there are lots of liberal minded people in this state involved in arts and entertainment and people who run shops and businesses. It’s apparent by what interests them and what they post that they are NOT the religious right that dominates politics here. I plan to visit a nightclub and some shops I found earlier. 

I’m angry. 

First of all I’ve been through a world wind of life  happenings. Think of three overwhelming life events that can wreak havoc on frail to moderately stable psychologies and I’ll give you six that I’m immersed in, and have been for months straight. One small factor is that this is my first cold winter in decades. Well, it’s been since I was 17 years old that I experienced a snowy mid west winter. No, that is not one of the six life happenings that I’m counting it’s a subset of one or more. 

Growing up I had winter depression. I got the depo provera shot and the side effects said, “May cause depression.” I am newly married, in a new area, a cold one, and over the years have suffered from PTSD. So here’s hoping that depression will not kick in. If someone said, “here, take this pill, it will give you the flu.” and you thought about how miserable you would feel and pictured yourself nauseated and retching at contact with any food, how easy would it be for you to take that pill? When I think of depression I start to feel it, and I get down right scared. I say Please God No, and I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in god. 

I’m concerned that although I’ve been sailing through these major life happenings, that perhaps I’m teetering on a foundation that could definitely be toppled by some birth control hormonal change, some fundamental organic tipping point, and because there is so much going on, I’m worried that my crash would be more devastating than what is normal. Whatever that means. I mean, not just a case of the blues, but omg I’m back in the US after eight years in the third world and I’m married to some one I have not lived with and my father died before I could get home and my family is acting crazy over the family house,and big stuff like that. 

I know it’s Halloween, that season, and I know that I should not be vain, but this Linda Blair look is getting me down, yet is not motivation enough to move beyond petrified in my chair at my personal computer. 

At least maybe my writing skills will return. That’s always the plus side of depression/dementia.



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