Manila tomorrow.

I’m not ready, and I didn’t even confirm the plans before the other party went to bed.

Here if you go to Manila you hire and van and a driver, for a number of reasons. This trip especially I can’t hop a bus and recruit a friend to accompany me, because a bus will not take me where I need to go directly, it’s too much of a hassle, and I will have a large sum of money with me. So anyway, the people that hire out the service are in bed. 

I haven’t been around this blog for awhile because I’ve been busy and full of anxieties, it’s very hard for me to write at times like that, even if I had something to say which I did not. 

My friend recommended a soundtrack to me when I said I needed some relaxing oriental music. It’s the soundtrack to House Of Flying Daggers. I absolutely love it and it brings me to tears when I listen to it. I might check out the movie some time. It deeply relaxes me in ways that I used to know. I haven’t done deep relaxation for a long time. I used to be very good at meditation. So, I’ve been keeping to myself and playing relaxing games, mostly. I have a lot coming up. I can’t believe I’m going to be landing in the US a week from this week. I can not believe it. I worry about my son with autism on the long flight. On the way out here we had a computer with lots of movies, and this time we won’t have that. We’ll be getting the equipment in the US, the stuff here is poorly made and is expensive. We’ve had many more expenses than we counted on, and just can’t manage it until we land. 

I have so many worries about leaving, and the wedding. I know it will all work out, but my body is reacting. I hope I’m not a PTSD mess on our big day, but I have over a week to “relax” at my sisters. And there is HOT WATER and a BATHTUB there, proper water quality and soap that works. I think I have not been really clean in seven years. We wash out of a bucket and most people here do not have hot water. Even the wealthy people often don’t because they’re not used to that in the first place. The water here is such that you never feel really clean. I remember my friend from here telling me that after she moved to the US she should not believe how clean she felt. So it’s not an American thing, which wouldn’t surprise me if it was. She said the same thing. 

I’m wondering if I will constantly feel cold there? Even in Vegas? Maybe just at night. I can’t believe I’m going to be using a washing machine. That’s good enough but a dryer, too? The luxuries await. I will have to learn to drive again. I will have to get used to riding places in cars. I’ve been in cars and vans out here, but it’s not normal, it’s a yearly thing MAYBE. How about being able to buy clothes that fit? New bras? Actually that’s always been a problem, don’t get me started on that topic, but at least some stores had them. If you have boobs, bra makers expect you to be big in circumference, too. But at least they are available somewhere. Also fruits and vegetables. Yes they had them here, and they are expensive and we don’t have a refrigerator. Most people don’t. Also an oven? What’s that going to be like? I cook with two gas burners camping style with broken pots and pans. Actually one burner, one does not work. What’s it going to be like to have a stove? 

When I walk outside there will not be dying people and homeless children. Will I forget them? I can use a hair dryer, and even a straightener if I want to. I could here, but it’s so much power and the hair style does not stay anyway, too humid. Also I don’t ever feel fully clean. The make up? Here the make up is awful and I think I’ve acquired burns from it. I never needed hypo allergenic make up in the states. I want to learn how to put it on and I’ll wear it. I’m over forty and it’s about time. I am going to ask my sister and sister in law for help. I did put my own make up on in the states before I got here, but I never needed that much, and didn’t really know how to do eye make up. I really do need it though. 

I’m nervous and scared and know that I’ll be experiencing culture shock when I get back. What if people are mean? People are so nice here. Well the internet has kept me “local” on that front,so… I think I know how people are, still. Did I mention I’m nervous and scared? 


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