Archive for August, 2012

Procreation and Procrastination
August 31, 2012

I keep getting reminded I want to write my blog on making people. 

Busy today, emails with lawyer and family members, etc. So much going on. I want to pack today too. I know I’m going to fail today. I need to summon my Stuart Smalley archetype. 

Today Happened.
August 29, 2012

It was a major day and everything got majorly done.
Pins and needles waiting to get this all over with, still maybe three more trips to Manila?

And

my pee pee stings.

THAT is what you get for coming to my blog. 😛

I screwed up
August 28, 2012

and I screwed up big. I didn’t bring the correct amount of money.
I have to scramble to get more, and go back tomorrow, and there’s MORE processing the passports need to go through, we’re not done yet.
So can this be done by the time my plane takes off? I mean, the processing does not happen in the airport, it’s a completely separate thing. And to reschedule the flights sets dominoes in motion that are going to wreck everything, let alone it will be wildly more expensive.

So stressed.

Meanwhile, on the long trip to Manila and back I was thinking, I’m going to write a blog on anti natalism, and what ethical considerations I believe there are in making human beings. I don’t even like to say “children” anymore, because people marginalize that in their brains, conceptualize that in la la land in my opinion. People all start out as children.

But now I have all this other brew ha ha stressing me out.

Manila tomorrow.
August 27, 2012

I’m not ready, and I didn’t even confirm the plans before the other party went to bed.

Here if you go to Manila you hire and van and a driver, for a number of reasons. This trip especially I can’t hop a bus and recruit a friend to accompany me, because a bus will not take me where I need to go directly, it’s too much of a hassle, and I will have a large sum of money with me. So anyway, the people that hire out the service are in bed. 

I haven’t been around this blog for awhile because I’ve been busy and full of anxieties, it’s very hard for me to write at times like that, even if I had something to say which I did not. 

My friend recommended a soundtrack to me when I said I needed some relaxing oriental music. It’s the soundtrack to House Of Flying Daggers. I absolutely love it and it brings me to tears when I listen to it. I might check out the movie some time. It deeply relaxes me in ways that I used to know. I haven’t done deep relaxation for a long time. I used to be very good at meditation. So, I’ve been keeping to myself and playing relaxing games, mostly. I have a lot coming up. I can’t believe I’m going to be landing in the US a week from this week. I can not believe it. I worry about my son with autism on the long flight. On the way out here we had a computer with lots of movies, and this time we won’t have that. We’ll be getting the equipment in the US, the stuff here is poorly made and is expensive. We’ve had many more expenses than we counted on, and just can’t manage it until we land. 

I have so many worries about leaving, and the wedding. I know it will all work out, but my body is reacting. I hope I’m not a PTSD mess on our big day, but I have over a week to “relax” at my sisters. And there is HOT WATER and a BATHTUB there, proper water quality and soap that works. I think I have not been really clean in seven years. We wash out of a bucket and most people here do not have hot water. Even the wealthy people often don’t because they’re not used to that in the first place. The water here is such that you never feel really clean. I remember my friend from here telling me that after she moved to the US she should not believe how clean she felt. So it’s not an American thing, which wouldn’t surprise me if it was. She said the same thing. 

I’m wondering if I will constantly feel cold there? Even in Vegas? Maybe just at night. I can’t believe I’m going to be using a washing machine. That’s good enough but a dryer, too? The luxuries await. I will have to learn to drive again. I will have to get used to riding places in cars. I’ve been in cars and vans out here, but it’s not normal, it’s a yearly thing MAYBE. How about being able to buy clothes that fit? New bras? Actually that’s always been a problem, don’t get me started on that topic, but at least some stores had them. If you have boobs, bra makers expect you to be big in circumference, too. But at least they are available somewhere. Also fruits and vegetables. Yes they had them here, and they are expensive and we don’t have a refrigerator. Most people don’t. Also an oven? What’s that going to be like? I cook with two gas burners camping style with broken pots and pans. Actually one burner, one does not work. What’s it going to be like to have a stove? 

When I walk outside there will not be dying people and homeless children. Will I forget them? I can use a hair dryer, and even a straightener if I want to. I could here, but it’s so much power and the hair style does not stay anyway, too humid. Also I don’t ever feel fully clean. The make up? Here the make up is awful and I think I’ve acquired burns from it. I never needed hypo allergenic make up in the states. I want to learn how to put it on and I’ll wear it. I’m over forty and it’s about time. I am going to ask my sister and sister in law for help. I did put my own make up on in the states before I got here, but I never needed that much, and didn’t really know how to do eye make up. I really do need it though. 

I’m nervous and scared and know that I’ll be experiencing culture shock when I get back. What if people are mean? People are so nice here. Well the internet has kept me “local” on that front,so… I think I know how people are, still. Did I mention I’m nervous and scared? 

Whoah… today sucks
August 24, 2012

Wow, so there’s all this crap on you tube depressing me and I can’t express myself today. 

Such a crappy day. 

Going to Manila Tuesday to take care of the last item before I can leave the first week of September, YAY!! 

I should be happy but had nothing but anxieties this morning until I had two beers, which also lately make me feel like shit. That better not be happening when I get back, I like my drink! I really should nap or something. 

Early mornings…
August 20, 2012

I’m back up at five am, now. I feel good at this time. I’m going to have to switch sleeping schedules when I get home, but considering how much I switch out here, it should be fine.

Getting conflicting reports on who is coming to Vegas, but looks like it will be more calm that first weekend there, so that’s good. My foot actually started to heal after a month, but it hurts to walk on. I need that to go AWAY so I can get moving again. My knee is bad now from walking crazy on my foot to avoid the excruciating pain.

So in SB, when Mark and I are there, we’re having a sale of the things in the garage. Barbara says it’s packed to the ceiling with stuff. Then the house will be ready to be rented out. It’s such a cute place, and we’re lucky to have it for the honeymoon. It’s within walking distance of the beach, so that will be nice at sunset. Of course we’ll have a car, but it’s nice to be able to take off walking. Barb says there are lots of framed paintings and artwork in the garage. I love my family’s taste in art, so likely I will be keeping those. I can’t wait to see what’s in there, and we’ll rent a storage unit for the things that we need to save. Uhaul does have a service where they will deliver a container that you pack to South Dakota for about two thousand dollars. There is one piece of furniture in the house that is so absolutely beautiful and has sentimental value, so I will keep it, but shipping those things is like paying for them all over again. We’ll see what I feel like doing. I might have to sell that cherry wood piece. BAH.

Just thinking out loud. Off to play bridge and baccarat and chat with my friends.

Kathy
August 19, 2012

Listening to the Kathy Griffin audio book, my friend insisted after I insisted she watch the hour long interview with Kathy and Rosie. She’s a huge fan of Kathy, and really she’s like a version of her. I grew up in the mid west, she’s from there, her family is from the same area as KG’s and she’s Irish catholic, and comedy is her bestie next to music. Kathy really feels like home, I can say that much. So far, her book is really interesting, I’m on the part with her brother, and wow that is really an expose. He molested children. I’m on that part, she actually called the police. There’s more, still listening.

Wait, there’s more…
August 18, 2012

I don’t know why I keep saying that I’ve been here eight years, it’s more like seven. 

So I have to go back down to immigration next week and we’re all set. That is a heartache. Kiss the cash goodbye, and I’m not even a good cause.  Also my foot hurts. 

So I’ve touched base with my old friends, lost touch with them when I acquired some internet stalkers. When I showed back up my friends were happy to see me and I was told it was very clear what was going on and they understand my privacy concerns from this point forward. But mostly we’re talking about Vegas plans. More friends than I thought would come are coming and some can’t make it for the wedding so we’re going to party in Vegas that weekend preceding. Watch out. I already warned Mark that if so and so comes, just be prepared. We’ll spend more time together later, like after leaving Vegas, but I will be occupied with my wild friends. It will be a great time. I don’t want him to feel left out or be shocked at how we are so fair warnings are being given. 

Mom went to a packers game the other day, so waiting to hear about that. My sister in law posts pictures of my brother’s baby girl on my page, she is sooooooooooooooo cute. I cannot even believe she is in our family. I don’t think my mom appreciates when I make those jokes. Oh well. Loosen up ma, we’re not the best looking people. Well my brother is kind of good looking, but… 

So now I’m just waiting for my foot to get better, and then I’m going to hustle packing things. We really don’t have anything to take, I’m leaving it all here. We don’t even really have clothes. We need to go thrift store shopping when I get there. 

I spent awhile after my dad died crying every day and having break downs. It is getting easier. I feel robbed of my time with him. Mark and I had already planned on our honeymoon in Santa Barbara making sure that dad was taken care of. There were some things we had to get done in that department, but other people have stepped in and taken care of it, so now when we’re there, we’ll just stay at the house and get it ready for being a rental. I have to do stuff with his bank accounts, and the trust, and BLECH, but we knew the honey moon would be more than walks on the beach and would include some serious bizness. 

I got an urn that I’m sure dad would have picked out himself, it has Sand Cranes on it, and it’s enamel, oriental looking. NOT TSA approved though, so we’ll be shipping that. Thankfully I have an attorney in San Diego working on all kinds of details. My dad used to be a lawyer, and his friend stepped in to help. My dad didn’t have many friends, but the ones he does, wow. 

I was looking up one of his old flames, to see if I might tell her that dad passed. (Don’t know if I would.) and I found out that her and her husband write for the RAND corporation (foundation? Whatever that think tank is). Yes, she was married the whole time they were having an affair, and yes, I was told that her husband was some important government related type person internationally renown etc. But I found out he had written things that advised Henry Kissinger, for one. Anyway, things I had heard as a teen that sounded nebulous at best became real in a very surreal way. This was a very interesting woman. Of course they met… through Bridge. She nabbed the best partner she could. She wanted to win those tourney’s dammit! I just remember being a teenager living poor in the Midwest and going to visit my dad near Malibu and being driven around by his girlfriend in a convertible Mercedes, taking me shopping in the Sherman Oaks galleria. Her house was really interesting, each room was round, and the staircases were on the outside only. At one point it was in Architectural Digest. Because of her, I got to go to Hawaii. She had a place there. But… I don’t know if she wants to hear about an ex, esp when it was an affair. Her husband is long passed, and even at the time he might have known about it, but I don’t know. Another memory, the place my dad lived, the apartment was owned by her. That was one of his nicest ones in my opinion. 

Memory lane was a bit hard on me last week, and like I said, surreal. But the rand corp? How evil. Shiver. My dad is not like that. He’s like Paul Simon, not Henry Kissinger. But hey wimminz is wimminz. 

I know I’m going to have a blast beyond recounting in Las Vegas, but I can’t wait to get on the beach in Santa Barbara again. We’re going to eat at the restaurant out on the pier at sunset. Actually I’m going to try to make a video of it. I’m going to see the botanical gardens again, and visit the zoo and the natural history museum. For some reason that museum with all the taxidermy and quiet echoing clean and open space seems romantic to me and every time I thought of getting married when I was younger, I thought of going there with whoever it was. I know Mark will love it. We might go down to the Getty Museum in LA, too. Mark wanted to, and that’s my dad’s favorite museum, and who knows when I’ll be back that way. But yes, we’re definitely taking the hwy1 drive up north, too. We’ll probably stay in Morro Bay. For some reason I love Morro Bay. It’s a little nothing place, but I used to drive up there all the time. 

All right. I’m off. Back to playing bridge on my PC. I regret not having dad to answer some of my questions. But there are plenty of resources out there. The ladies that were there helping him until he died are going to be around for me to meet when I get there, and I think we’ll take out the card table and that will be my first live game of bridge. My dad would have loved that. 

Immigration tomorrow.
August 14, 2012

Every time I think that, I think of that noise that Sideshow Bob makes when he’s stepping on all those rakes. My foot still hurts from having that thing removed from the bottom weeks ago, and it’s not really healing. Only this morning do I see some progress. I finally started putting moringa on it. So as usual, I’m an absolute mess. Trips to Manila are nerve-wracking. The drive is twisty turnie and driven like the autobahn. Immigration is like you would imagine it is.

So I don’t like to write one negative blog after another on and on, but hey. I feel the need to keep up. It’s already helped as a memory jogger a couple of times. I have an awful memory.

Big news for me on the feminist front. There is a channel on You Tube called WIGS. Big time directors and actors performing brilliantly written scripts, short films. They are character pieces featuring women. I ab so lute ly love what I have seen so far. Dakota was gripping and amazing, and way too short, but maybe that was part of the beauty of it. The America Ferrera one was so interesting, and then about half way through I realize how brilliant it is. I am so excited about this channel. I subscribed for the upcoming “Laura” about rape in the military, but now I’m thinking for a topic like that, these might be *too* well done if you know what I mean. I don’t want to be disturbed or have my PTSD act up, so I might actually skip that one until I’m compelled one day. I cannot rave enough about Dakota. Well, it’s personal for me, I mean I’m going to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks and I’m going to try my hand at gambling, and not for fun. Baccarat is not “fun”, winning money is fun. Then I’m moving to South Dakota. Also the actress that plays her, don’t get me started, but I love finding things that amaze me and have “zen”. “Zen” the home made brew definition, meaning several components of daily life, things that are important to you, or you’re thinking about them, whatever, coming together in some form of media.

I won’t embed a WIGS video here, I’ll link the channel. I think I’ll try to embed Desert Rose.

More Zen.

http://www.youtube.com/WIGS

Let’s try something diff.
August 4, 2012

So emotional today. Was thinking, “I love you Heather!! Bawwww.”