I’m up around the clock because I really need to get my foot checked out at the dr. and cannot put it off any longer. So.

I’m a tad cranky. I’ll be headed to a waiting room in about an hour with no appointment, they don’t do them. I’m old enough to be a grandmother, and today I’m feeling it.

The issue keeping me up around the clock and sleeping whenever is my autistic son is having some issues. I’ll be glad when this passes.

I had a nightmare about my future that I can’t shake even though it was only weird. I was in the wrong apartment for some reason, I don’t even know why I was in an apartment, first of all, but it was a dream. I was talking to Mark on skype and suddenly I was like, wait where am I? Mark had sent me to that address. Suddenly this young woman enters with someone else I didn’t get a look at, and I realize this is her apartment and I have no idea what I’m doing there.

So when she came in, I thought oh god, I’m going to alarm her beyond belief. But something odd happened. She was not alarmed, she was mad at me for existing. She berated me for who I am and it seemed to be a side issue that I was in her apartment. In reality that’s a breaking and entering scare-someone-to death- situation.

But she was just ridiculing me like we were in High School or something. She was telling me to look in the mirror, I’m so ugly and not taking care of myself, and saying the type of things to me that people do when they want to see if you’ll attempt suicide afterwards. Very weird.  I cannot identify with her feelings, I have never felt like that toward someone.

But I was thinking, here she has perfect reason to be totally freaking right now, yet isn’t, but somehow I’m annoying her for some different reason?

I just can’t shake this dream. Usually when I can’t get a dream out of my mind it’s due to the heavy emotions I experienced during the dream, but this was not like that. It was just weird and uncomfortable. I was only trying to get out as quick as possible. You know she even seemed to understand why I was there, whatever mix up it was that I wasn’t even aware of or have the foggiest clue how to explain.

It wasn’t hard for me to apologize to her and do my best to get out, so I just focused on that and took in what she said dispassionately because it made no sense to me. I just kept on topic. But you know, dreams… they mess with you, I could not get out. For some reason my stuff kept scattering, etc.

I can’t wait to get home, and I expect more anxiety dreams before the time comes.

Here’s what I keep thinking tho. What is it that people are thinking or feeling when they attack someone so nonsensically and harshly, yet completely outside of reality? It’s usually a kids thing, but I never understood it then and still don’t.


EDIT:  wow, that was a surgery. My foot is not useful, and hopefully the painpills are.  I’m proud of myself for going, knowing I was so tired and have not slept, and could easily say “tomorrow”. Turns out I went without having enough money, too. Had I realized that, it would have been put off *again*. This has been going on for months, it’s actually probably a whole year that my foot has needed attention.  But it’s done. Done. Done. Done. Woot!

Hopefully the pain prescription is a good one wink wink.


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