Archive for July, 2012

July 30, 2012

If I was anything less than “damaged goods” (irony) I would write some great posts about what’s been going on with my dad’s death and my surgery and the typhoons and power outages here. Suffice to say, things are suck/interesting right now.

I want to blog about these women that swooped in and helped my dad, it’s one of the more interesting and unbelievable things I’ve heard in my lifetime. If I wrote a fictional story and included what they’ve done, the readers would balk that it was unrealistic. I would have to emphasize their obvious wealth and perhaps make up a part about how they’ve watched Oprah every weekday for two decades. I guess that would make it believable. But who does this?

They’ve almost eliminated the torture I feel being so far away while my dad was deteriorating and then passed.  I’ll probably not get over it though, not being there. I could not get back sooner due to some misinformation at the embassy over a year ago (maybe more). I knew they were wrong, but they would not listen, so I attempted to comply with their request. I finally gave up and headed in there with a mind to beg and plead. Interesting, the woman behind the counter actually was going to refuse help for some other trite item that caused me to ask for the main person there. Good move. After doing so we put our heads together and figured out, yes, the first item that sent me away empty handed some time ago was a mistake.


(Oops upon reading this over I realize I sound like I needed money from them. Nope. We needed our passports renewed. Sounds absurd that it couldn’t be done. Well it was absurd.)

So I can’t be going over  this in my head for the rest of my life. I think this is why people say, “everything happens for a reason”. I like what my friend says better. “Everything happens for a stupid reason.”

I really really hate that “Everything happens for a reason.”, garbage. The only way to look at that statement is to understand that cause and effect exists. There is no Santa.

I hope my mental health gets better, I would like to write a book about the goings on with my dad and these ladies and there’s some symbolism with “Bridge” the game. It’s how he knew these women. The word/concept of bridge and needing people would fit in nicely. I used to be able to write. I used to know English and grammar, etc. I thought as I was deteriorating it was a temporary side effect of my PTSD, so when I get home, I’m going to work at rebuilding those brain cells that seem gone and see what happens. Maybe I’m toast for life.


Father died
July 24, 2012

been dealing with my father’s death, cannot talk about it just yet.

July 16, 2012

I’m up around the clock because I really need to get my foot checked out at the dr. and cannot put it off any longer. So.

I’m a tad cranky. I’ll be headed to a waiting room in about an hour with no appointment, they don’t do them. I’m old enough to be a grandmother, and today I’m feeling it.

The issue keeping me up around the clock and sleeping whenever is my autistic son is having some issues. I’ll be glad when this passes.

I had a nightmare about my future that I can’t shake even though it was only weird. I was in the wrong apartment for some reason, I don’t even know why I was in an apartment, first of all, but it was a dream. I was talking to Mark on skype and suddenly I was like, wait where am I? Mark had sent me to that address. Suddenly this young woman enters with someone else I didn’t get a look at, and I realize this is her apartment and I have no idea what I’m doing there.

So when she came in, I thought oh god, I’m going to alarm her beyond belief. But something odd happened. She was not alarmed, she was mad at me for existing. She berated me for who I am and it seemed to be a side issue that I was in her apartment. In reality that’s a breaking and entering scare-someone-to death- situation.

But she was just ridiculing me like we were in High School or something. She was telling me to look in the mirror, I’m so ugly and not taking care of myself, and saying the type of things to me that people do when they want to see if you’ll attempt suicide afterwards. Very weird.  I cannot identify with her feelings, I have never felt like that toward someone.

But I was thinking, here she has perfect reason to be totally freaking right now, yet isn’t, but somehow I’m annoying her for some different reason?

I just can’t shake this dream. Usually when I can’t get a dream out of my mind it’s due to the heavy emotions I experienced during the dream, but this was not like that. It was just weird and uncomfortable. I was only trying to get out as quick as possible. You know she even seemed to understand why I was there, whatever mix up it was that I wasn’t even aware of or have the foggiest clue how to explain.

It wasn’t hard for me to apologize to her and do my best to get out, so I just focused on that and took in what she said dispassionately because it made no sense to me. I just kept on topic. But you know, dreams… they mess with you, I could not get out. For some reason my stuff kept scattering, etc.

I can’t wait to get home, and I expect more anxiety dreams before the time comes.

Here’s what I keep thinking tho. What is it that people are thinking or feeling when they attack someone so nonsensically and harshly, yet completely outside of reality? It’s usually a kids thing, but I never understood it then and still don’t.


EDIT:  wow, that was a surgery. My foot is not useful, and hopefully the painpills are.  I’m proud of myself for going, knowing I was so tired and have not slept, and could easily say “tomorrow”. Turns out I went without having enough money, too. Had I realized that, it would have been put off *again*. This has been going on for months, it’s actually probably a whole year that my foot has needed attention.  But it’s done. Done. Done. Done. Woot!

Hopefully the pain prescription is a good one wink wink.

July 12, 2012

Learning to play bridge. It runs in my family. My grandmother was a phenomenal player, and my dad wins tournaments and teaches it.

So I figure, hey…

So I’m doing that today. I’ve got some books and some programs and watched a couple of kind of helpful kind of not you tube videos.

So that’s what’s going on with me.

Tropical Winter
July 6, 2012

Well it’s not winter here, we don’t have seasons, per se. If we name seasons here, I’m pretty sure it’s fall right now and not winter. School starts here in June for the kiddies and that’s when the weather gets rainy. Right now the type of rain we have is a bit different. It’s dark and over cast and wet, versus when it rains other times during the year and dries up immediately in the sun and heat and only rains in short spurts. 

This darkness is effecting me, definitely. 

I’m getting so excited for September, and still have so much to do. 

I feel like a failure at everything. Right now I want to go back to bed. I used to be a decent writer. 

Glad my English friend is back online, going to go hang out with him. 

Self Esteem Booster
July 4, 2012

I saw someone rave about this woman on a video, but I had never heard of her.

Looked her up, and was like wow, THIS looks like it’s going to be a great video. So I got excited and started to watch it and in her INTRO she gives the speech I give about culture not backing truthful information or choices so that we can do better.

I don’t expect people to just “get it” when our culture lies and has so many stories and myths surrounding suffering and animal feelings and awareness.   My harshest judgments (which is what people are monumentally concerned with on this topic, “guys don’t do this” is really a crime in this realm) are reserved for the educated and net educated people that gleefully share they are meat eaters. If said person also feels high and mighty mocking people on their pet topic, then my my mental tolerance of that person drops still in accordance with their treatment of others.

There is NO excuse for arguing against veganism at this point. There is an excuse for not being able to change lifelong habits, ok. But at this point, if you are semi- educated, and net prone,  oh yeah AND high and mighty about how great you and your edumacated opinions are on things, you are a sorry excuse for a human being if you announce your animal product food choices like it’s a sexual preference and you’re not hurting any living thing, or the economy, or environment, etc.

Still listening to the video, so shouldn’t try to type sentences that make sense right now, more later.

July 4, 2012

So my throat is WORSE today? What fresh hell is this?

My dad’s chemo has been going so so and he’s in the middle of more, now, so we don’t know the lymphsite count just yet. If things continue to go the way they have been he’s got six months, which thankfully is not three months.

Six months is horrible, awful and all that, but if he died before I got home in September I would never get over it. There are also several life/legal complications that would make life miserable, but I’d never get over not being there. So six months is a silver lining in that context.

I like the original prognosis of two years. I can go spend much more time with him if that’s that case.

I know it’s stupid, but I’m downright angry about my throat hurting this much today, after all these days, and my constant snotting all over, and this pain. It’s making me angry. I feel absolutely worthless.

Another Day
July 3, 2012

Of being sick and miserable, I thought it would be done today.

Also today I am horribly depressed. I want to go home now.  I have so much to be happy about, and everything seems like utter shit.

July 2, 2012

I’m still sick but the last two days I’ve been in a lot of pain. Thankfully today is much better.

I’m glad I’m able to write more lately, although I’m never satisfied with the outcome.

After I wrote my post on PZ’s blog commenters, I noticed that something actually came up that was manboobz related. Someone had accused boobzers of bad behaviors. So that’s interesting.

I’ve had experience debating extensively on the wider web on the subject of suffering, and some of the arguments people present to minimize the experiences of sentient life are so ridiculous that one ends up saying, ok well if you were tortured you would sing a different tune, and I guess pain does not matter as long as you have not suffered it.

A horrid tactic the person could use is “that person said I should be tortured because I don’t agree with them.”

One horrible young woman claimed I told her that she advocated the holocaust. FACEPALM. When discussing the history of humanity and sentient life, things like holocausts are brought up because they are reality. When people minimize or excuse suffering, one brings up real live atrocities that happened to real people. How many more King Leopold’s have to happen to us to declare this a negative sum endeavor?

So when arguing about the nature of human suffering, and the suffering of sentient creatures, it’s wise not to argue with a fucktard that’s going to claim victim stauts when they lose the argument. What’s irritating is these people start the whole thing by being flippant, like TSK can you even believe that people think this and this?


And then when they look silly in the face of a real discussion, the rest of us are big meanies accusing them of advocating the holocaust.

So when I see things like this: “I personally was told, many times, that I deserve to be raped, castrated, and abused.”  Red flags go up. I’ve seen this before, and I’m wondering if that person said unethically obtuse and callous statements regarding those topics, and might have been told that they should experience those things.

That reminds me of a topic that has been flying around the comments on manboobz, too. I feel like commenting on it sometimes, but there are social-politics reasons that I don’t that actually relate to my last post on bullying.

If a person systematically rapes and tortures people, what components are lacking in that person’s psychology?  I’m going to post a video here, actually.

Lately when I’ve posted videos they have come up as links. grrr.

This is called “trap, kill repeat.”

Tell me if anyone should worry that this man might have to experience what he put others through?

Also what is the harm in WANTING this man to experience what he put others through? Not necessarily desiring this for vengeance. It would be interesting to ask him afterward, now WHY would you do that to another person? Do you feel? etc.

When someone takes advantage of a small child, and rapes them, why on earth should that person not experience the same thing? And why should people not WANT that to happen to the person for whatever reason?

Having said that, prisoners deserve human rights. Rape should not be expected in our correctional facilities, nor should it be joked about as much as it is in our culture. I just don’t lump all I HOPE HE GETS RAPED IN PRISON comments into the same pile. Sometimes it makes sense to say something like that whether one is in ideological opposition to it or not.

There’s something about this topic flying around the manboobz comments, but I don’t know the original context. Someone LOLED at the idea of prison rape which is so disgusting. If the person LOLED in the context I gave above, they should not have been flippant and LOLED. People are rightfully sensitive to human rights issues and rape, and wishing horrible things on people. So any way you flip it, that person was a dumbass.


ergh I can’t wait till tomorrow this cold will be gone!

In comprehensible adfinitum
July 2, 2012

My last post? Yes, I don’t know how I managed to type after being up all those hours.

But I just got done being irritated over on PZ Meyers blog. (btw, I don’t get irritated at the blogs, but the comments portion. I was reading this post again, and realized I forgot to make clear why I was irritated.)  A friend linked it to me because finally PZ has gone after ThunderfOOt, a dyed in the wool moron.

So I’ve faced this before, this feeling of, ok now he’s stepped on *your* toes  (PZ and the gang…) about one of *your* pet issues, but you couldn’t see that he was ridiculous before this? Really? All thunderblunder’s argumentation is this bad, and his opinions this nonsensical. He’s the type of guy that even when he’s right (religion sucks) he’s wrong (let’s get the muzzies! there’s no such thing as a moderate muzzie!)

PZ should have told him to take a flying leap over his extreme jihad speech/lies toward Muslims long before this. Or, just been plain offended with the painfully stupid confabulations and non-arguments. Oh yeah, and there were the easily verifiable LIES he was telling about people and videos he edited to make certain people look guilty of things they were not. This was not an innocent mistake, the very same video he edited had the answer to who photoshopped his image, and he edited that straight out.

Ok, so I suppose over this sexual harassment issue some of us are licking our chops and PZ finally waking up to smell thunderf00t’s stupid napalm morning is what we’ve been waiting for. Still there’s that mixed vibe of, ‘how did you not get this before’?

The comment section of the PZ Meyers blog I find irritating and sad. I always want more for smart educated people. I’m referring to any comment section on any given post on the PZ blog. So much dog piling you would think people would be embarrassed to do that. ‘Oh, I’m going to make a one/three liner comment to a person 10 others before me have responded to in no substantial manner saying basically what they said. That’s what we need here, there seemed to be a gaping hole before I posted my admonition and flounce prediction!’

Seriously, these people should be embarrassed.  I’ve wanted to do a post on bullying for awhile, but I think I can sum up what I want to say by listing one item. It’s bullying when…

It’s bullying when there is no resolution. When you know that the person getting dogpiled, or even ridiculed by one person, cannot do anything to resolve the issue, that is bullying. The people that bully others think they are cloaked under their “yeahbutts”  and it’s just too confusing to call them on anything.


If you do not offer a resolution for how that person can get you OFF their ass, explicitly or implicitly, you are bullying.  It’s overkill when taken together with the straw man “clever rephrases”- which posters  *do* think they’re clever in this fallacy.

It is a tightrope though. My favorite poster on manboobz does the rephrase well, but it can easily veer off into strawman lane. The clever rephrase will prioritize and clarify, even while more succinct,  without cheating the original author of meaning or intended meaning.  “This is what you are really saying.” should indeed be what they are really saying.

Wait! don’t get me wrong on “intended meaning”. When a clever rephrase is necessary, it’s needed precisely because the original poster does not realize in effect that they’ve prioritized something unethically.  When I say, ‘without cheating intent’ I mean the rephrase should not be a strawman or ascribe some absurd intent to the poster.

It’s a pretty abusive mentality some have, that failing in this area is just fine and does not warrant any policing or dog piling. FUCKED UP PRIORITIES. If people were truly intellect police, we’d really police this kind of thing instead of looking for dog pile gotchas on people we don’t like for whatever reason.


-shut up.

Back to my main point, if you are badgering someone and it’s clear there is no resolution, or no way out for the person, it’s bullying.  Sometimes they do hint that if the person quit posting there, that would be a resolution. I don’t see how people can live with themselves being like that. What is the problem with just not reading someone’s posts? Also, how do some posters feel they own the board?

I hate the yabbits, ‘yabbit that person advocates this position’.

My take on that is, feel free to argue, and then drop it. You don’t own the board, it’s not your place to drive people off, and the whole atmosphere seems abusive and directed at an individual instead of topical material.  The atmosphere created is one of fear and dog piling and there are likely a few that feel like they are  cowards because they don’t know what to say. But nobody is truly hiding under these yabbits like they imagine they are.

I’ve also noticed a sense of entitlement. The targeted person MUST respond to certain individuals. I can’t speak for others, but I know that if I feel badgered or like I’m in a situation where I’m being mis-characterized and there’s  a bullying mean spirited tone, I don’t in any way want to contribute to that, and I ignore. Nobody is entitled to my time, esp in a negative way. I feel it’s a wise decision to not engage, and then bullies will also take that as an offense and try in some way to make you pay for ignoring inappropriate conversations.

I just realized I have a lot more to say on this issue, but have to end here and go do something else.

On a brighter pane, I have just read a great blog post by skeptifem. 🙂