Archive for May, 2012

pfft (video switch)
May 28, 2012

I feel crappy today. Let’s get that out of the way.

so… I put a different uploaded video of this song here, much better quality.

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I don’t know if I can post anything
May 27, 2012

I’m totally overwhelmed with a couple of things I would love to blog about, but

I’m so excited about it, I have to wait a couple of days. I can imagine what one of those little dogs that runs around until they bonk a wall might feel like. 

Relax! 

Claudia Bruken
May 20, 2012

Image

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Love Propaganda…

 

DUEL, perfect song.

Moving forward kind of wonky
May 18, 2012

My sleeping got wonky again. So we got the chapel for the day and time we want, and Mark got the time off, like we wanted. He’s booking the airfare for him (and our return trip) Monday.

I’ve been talking to my sister a lot and we’re both so excited. There are three thrift stores that are near her in Vegas we’re going to go to. The boys and I are in rags. And by rags I mean, tears in the clothing and some patches, bleach spots, things that don’t fit, etc. So we’re not packing anything. We can’t take much luggage anyway, Hawaiian air is generous but going back to South Dakota on Allegiant, there are massive restrictions. We’re going to end up sending things ground shipment back to South Dakota from Vegas and just travelling light when we go through LA Santa Barbara and on to South Dakota.

Mark is so worried I won’t like it there. I know I will. I’ve kicked it in a third world country (and in the Province) for eight years now, don’t tell me what I won’t like. 🙂  Parenting by myself with no money and barely making it from day to day? This is my happily ever after, this is my sanitorium.

After the wedding we’re having a dinner at my sister’s house. That’s my  mom’s wedding present to us, and what she means by that is she’ll pay the food bill. I’m sure my sister and I will do the cooking, but I have a great idea for spaghetti.  That’s simple and inexpensive enough, but it still feels like something nice. Especially since I know how to cook gourmet sauces, although it’s been ages since I’ve really cooked. But we’ll make sure the sauce is done by that morning, and after the wedding we’ll simmer it and get the noodles going.  Debating on a pea pureé to coat the noodles before the sauce is added.

We don’t really have salad here to speak of so I’m really aching for salads. At this point I can’t ever imagine getting tired of salads even if I had them morning noon and night when I get back. That’s silly, I know. But we’ll have a huge salad and different warmed breads and of course the obligatory garlic bread that comes with spaghetti.

Here’s the thing. I’m going to look for, but not bank on getting portabello mushrooms and possibly doing a “meat” sauce. Portabellos are very meaty. However with the hullaballoo of the wedding I doubt we can fire up the grill that quickly. It’s an evening wedding we’re already pushing it. But if I can get some of those for a reasonable cost, that spaghetti sauce is going to be above and beyond. Otherwise it will be just plain awesome. Also it’s more likely that I will end up with Shitake and that’s fine. I lament that shitake mushrooms are so expensive, I really think it should be part of my regular diet, they are so healthy.

I requested a table cloth and a cake stand so that the pictures of the cake don’t look tacky. I am not a cake person but wedding cake is out of this world and they make them look so lovely, that kind of makes it a special occasion. So we’re getting a cake. 🙂 I’m going to get a simple one that looks like a package draped in linen. I know that’s hard to explain, I really should stop being so lazy and post a picture. I should be a good vegan and order one from the Red Velvet Cafe, but that’s likely out of the price range. I really should check into that though my family needs to be exposed to that. I wish I could put on a totally vegan meal, but there’s no way. (Well we’ll see.)

OPWT Other people’s wedding talk has got to be one of THE most boring and annoying things ever. I totally get this. I totally feel the same, but I have to write what’s on my mind, and this helps me hash it out.

Busy with the plans…
May 14, 2012

So it’s not just a wedding, but flights here and there and rental cars, amtraks and hotels. Does Mark book first, or ask his boss first? What dates do we tell the boss when nothing is booked? 

Ok so it can’t be that complicated. I worked up an itinerary so that Mark knows what to ask tomorrow. He’s asking for three weeks. We want the flight on Sept 14th for him, I’ll be at my sister’s already on the 6th. So he should ask his boss for the 14th of September to the 8th of October off, which is three weeks and back to work on the first available Monday. 

I have my sights set on two wedding venues. Looks like everything is open because we’re booking for September. Our wedding anniversary date will likely be September 18th. We will likely leave Vegas on amtrak for LA/.Santa Barbara on the 20th. We’re looking at flying out of LAX on Oct 4th. Whew. Now just for all hotel rental car booking. I’ve been researching and looks like we can get some dealz!! Woot. 

We likely are going to stay at the stratosphere on the wedding night. It seems to be the best deal. It’s fairly cheap and there’s a great view of Vegas. Sounds good. Hotels in Santa Barbara are a bit tricky. They have a cartel going there or something. The cheapest thing is exactly the same expensive price as the other cheap thing. I have some tricks up my sleeves, tho. Plus we’re going to be going up the coast to my old stomping grounds and I know just what to do up there. Plenty of cheap places along hwy 1. 

The Wedding Venue we’re getting is outdoor gazebo, no matter which one we book and I looked up the sunset for that week. We will be getting hitched at twilight. The places we’re looking at look so pretty in the pictures! 

I found a perfect dress, but don’t even want to talk about it. That will come later, it’s kind if a stressful topic. Because really I was like Dress? What? Oh slap a tea length ivory thing on me slightly reminiscent of Jackie Kennedy and I’m good. No problemo. But then I saw it. THE dress. And it’s cheap. If it wasn’t I would not even be thinking about it. But it’s in that price range that’s like… ok … it’s for one night, a couple of hours! and my man is not going to understand. But it’s a real wedding dress for almost nothing and it’s like someone designed it exactly for me and my taste. Exactly. I said I wasn’t going to talk about this. I have a quasi-plan. We’ll see. 

So I’m getting the music ready. It will be just a couple of songs, most venues are 30 mins. So I’m thinking they’ll let me play welcome music. As people come in, I want a My Fair Lady Tune that’s kind of whimsical called “Get Me to the Church On Time”. Eliza Doolittle’s dad cracked me up in that one. But then we’ll have to have a long pause because the tone is really going to change I want Enya May It Be, and I don’t care what anyone thinks, it’s MY wedding. For the down the aisle song… yes… Fairytale by Enya. It’s perfect wedding march music. Nope, don’t care what you think. Yep, that’s right. 

I think we have to leave right after that, but at my sister’s house (or brother’s don’t know which, they live down the street from each other) I want Day Break by Barry Manilow and Mark has never danced before in his life, so I’ll show him. Actually I’d better learn. 

 

Today ( not Yesterday)
May 10, 2012

I was just thinking, wow, yesterday sucked. Then I thought of the song Yesterday, which is the opposite of what I feel. Yesterday was one of those days I have where I feel, well this is it, I’m completely useless and obviously ill enough to be in a hospital. And these feelings stay with me throughout the day even though I know that I got no sleeep and that my condition for the day, is a day trip, temporary. If a person gets no sleep, they might not be able to do much. Nothing affected me yesterday, I got pleasure from almost nothing, I didn’t even like music. I knew it was because I hadn’t slept during the night. Yet, I let all these negative thoughts flow in about how ill I am. I even get scared and spend the day thinking of myself in terms of what’s changed, and I try to learn from things I’ve been through, achieve some perspective. I am writing in a tense that denotes this happens occasionally, it does.

I get frustrated with myself and the frightening thoughts. I need to put a post it note on my screen on those days when I’m up around the clock that says, “You are tired.” I don’t need to be institutionalized, I need to be in bed.

I’m aware of English.  I used to write blogs three times a day a couple years ago. My condition has changed so much I had to force myself to start this one as a tack on therapy to coloring in things on my art program. The point is, I can’t write any more, and am aware that I write like a seventh grader’s first draft.  I just write what I feel like saying, as if I were talking, but it’s an eye sore. There are lots of fragments. That’s how I wrote before I was trained.

frag frag frag That was all over my pages in red pen. So I guess when I write from the raw it’s my pre trained writing, which makes sense. It bothers me, though.  It seems like it would be easy peasy to just do better, but I’m in pain when I write now. It’s a painful process for me, so it makes sense to me what’s going on here.

It’s difficult for me to come to terms with how much I have changed, and I can’t figure out what changes are only temporary. I’m a secretive person now. That is new, very new. I can see clearly where that comes from, it comes from circumstances being complicated and draining, and communication being a draining enterprise. It comes from people only being able to draw on part of their own experiences to relate. I mean you’d think people would be able to draw on all they’ve felt and seen, but people typically don’t even do that.  I’m drawn to the intelligence of a person whose experiences are archived to be available to them to draw upon  to relate to/ empathize with others.  That kind of intelligence is irresistible to me, so admirable. In other words, the more available to them for use, the more I consider the person intelligent. Good novels are important for this reason, widens everyone’s scope of experience.

Oh crap, I want to say something here explaining well what I mean and I can’t. I know two years ago I would have thought of some illuminating wording to express the above concept so that anyone reading it would have felt glad for those few seconds they had read those few words on that day.

I’m done I’m washed up.  I try not to panic. It’s just that I have no idea what changes are permanent. Like an aging woman in the mirror. I have not been  image conscious or vain (to a fault), but gee suddenly when signs of aging showed up, I was startled. Which I guess could have a lot  to do with vanity. Could be something existentialist in there. (Oh, of course Theresa, when you explore changes in your mirror and feel gypped by the universe, that’s existentialism and not vanity. Got it.) I love the word gypped. I wish it was PC. I know gypsies raised some sort of stink over being known as a groups as sheisters, but I’m not sure if I buy that.  They might be trying to pull something.

So I slept last night, today should be a bit better. One thing that’s been alarming me for some time is my relationship with music. It doesn’t touch me any more, and sometimes it actually is an irritation. The best way I can describe the before and after is scar tissue and how it feels. I’m numb but it’s uncomfortable, so the difference would be from a body massage (heaven!) to getting scar tissue rubbed. You don’t even want that stuff touched. It’s got that strange pain to it that only scars have. So my whole body/being feels this way. Yes, it’s not really body, it’s being.

Emotionally I’m a wreck over the changes, so there’s despair on top of illness. I feel like telling everyone,  I mean even when I’m out buying stuff, just handing over Piso, “Hi, I’m not usually like this.” Like what? Who are you? So going through this many changes, and negative ones at that really does do a “who are you?” number on me. I was clearly a culmination of experiences before AND LACK OF THEM CAPS MINE. So who are people? Who is any of us?

Yes, NOT getting beaten and sodomized as a child has also contributed to who I am. I have always known that to be true, but this seems to be a looming lesson the last two years.  Having a string of “bad” does not contribute solely to intellectual  break downs or the building fake (or true) philosophical fortresses, but acts as an agent like acid to the face, like cancer to the body.  One of the scary revelations is that things can turn out ok, and you can still not be ok. That tragedy I mentioned that I need to come to terms with? Yeah, that turned out fine. Doesn’t seem to matter. Except for that I shudder to think of where I would be if things hadn’t.

Oops, I have to go.  Also it’s really really hot here right now. Can’t get that off my mind, so…

Watching Crime
May 6, 2012

For awhile now, whenever my friend in England goes to bed, or when he’s unavailable, I watch crime stories posted to You Tube. There are hundreds, all different types of shows. Homicide after homicide after homicide case. Watch hundreds of these and one can’t help but notice patterns. I know that only certain types of murders are covered, but there are so many. It’s not a wonder when someone is murdered the police immediately suspect a spouse or family member, or someone the person knows. Most of these cases are never a stranger.

It gets to the point where you’re armchair detective. Actually let me back track. It’s not always someone the victim knows. It’s someone they have had contact with, meaning if the security guard calls the police and reports and dead body in his parking lot, and the person was shot, you immediately get that guard’s info and take a finger powder test to see if he fired a weapon recently. I saw a case where they didn’t do that and I have no idea why.

But you have to start “eliminating” people as suspects, namely the spouse first. Spouse, boyfriend, etc. When every effort is not made to do that it drives me crazy; I’ve seen too many of these. Each department handles things differently. I’ve seen some where I say to myself, man, these guys are good. If I was missing I would want these guys on the case. Other times, I’m like geez, just take a report and file it away boys, don’t let it interrupt your donut break! I’m sure the police in these cases wish the case never went to press, they look so stupid.

Too many times the prosecutors cause more people to be murdered because they want more and more and more evidence to go to trial even though you can’t imagine a jury not convicting at that point. I’m not naive, I know what they have to contend with from the defense attorneys. But some of these cases, I really think the prosecutors were instrumental in subsequent murders happening.

You also discover how crucial it is for the police to withhold information from the press. People try to frame or blame others, and they’ll be proved wrong if there is information that does not fit their story, and the flip side of that is you know when you get good information.

It’s hard to read the stupid comments about the cases. Someone can clearly be in distress when telling a story years later, and there will always be commenters saying they are not reacting the right way. It’s years later. Sometimes a person can explain something to someone without breaking down. It’s just scary how little people evaluate or  know themselves. Most of the time you can sense the range of emotions in people and the various ways people can react just by exploring yourself.

Part of my PTSD comes from a tragedy that I have never come to terms with. I don’t have flashbacks, it’s blocked out. But there’s this sick feeling I get and a sense of panic when I encounter certain things that are similar to what I went through. I think that the more I familiarize myself with these gruesome crimes, the more in control I feel about the tragedy I need to come to terms with.

If I had exposure therapy for this one item, it would not take away my complex PTSD. If it would I would do everything I can to put myself through it even though it’s painful. At some point I need to inventory how I got this way. I look back and know that I had this growing up, but didn’t realize it. It was manageable at that time, I wish I knew. Over the years things happened to compound the issue and that’s how I know that coming to terms with a few major things that happened (things that give anyone PTSD) would not cure it for me.

Years ago when I realized I had this, and before I got involved again with reading more about feminism and involving myself in the arguments, it occurred to me that it’s possible many many men have PTSD and have no idea. I thought to myself, I’m so glad I’m a woman. Society makes it generally okay for me to be introspective and say these things happened to me, and I’m not okay. Men process things differently for whatever reason, likely society and our blind spots. One of the best things that ever happened to me was achieving the ability to say to myself…oh… I’m triggered, and then handle it. I did not feel so completely alone and more stressed because whatever was going on must have been some monumental big deal because after all… I felt it was, so… it must be. I came to realize…no… my feelings are a huge looming iceberg, not the immediate situation.

I’ve learned to say, I’m sorry. Sure, there’s something wrong, or something bad happening, but in the middle of it, I can still say… I’m sorry, because I can realize… I’m over reacting. I’m lashing out. I don’t need to teach people lessons or fight for what’s “right”.  Someone with the type of illness I have should never be in a relationship. I don’t mean that they should not because it’s wrong, I mean how could anyone love me? They would have to be dysfunctional. But it’s not the problems that come up, it’s how you handle things. So now, I’m in a better position than so many “normal” people to handle things in a healthy way. When things happen between my fiancee and I, I say, I’m sorry. That was me. That’s not right. So he feels safe. We can handle whatever comes up.

I found this man… this person that I wish I could describe. He’s so strong and loyal. He’s dealt with my issues head on, and he says it’s fine. When I get ‘home’ to my new home, I have no worries and no stressors. Meaning they’re minimized. Life is full of shit, it can’t be avoided. But I have a house to take care of and my job is that and the garden. What we like are relaxing conversations. He works very very hard and for a laborer’s wage. We like relaxing conversations and time together, and that’s about it. He loves politics and news. He likes to tell me everything that’s going on with the election, and whatever news stories he’s found on the web. He’s very liberal minded and laughs at people that don’t get feminism. I’m surprised he gets it as much as he does, but he does. He’s got this gentle intelligence, and he thinks he’s not so much. He’s had dyslexia his whole life and it makes him feel dumb. He’s not. At all. He lives in a very very very conservative area, and his politics are under wraps. He doesn’t socially speak of his feelings or beliefs. So he’s imported a wife that can hang on every word. I’m an American but he found his wife in the Philippines, ha ha. I’ve been here seven years, bathing out of a bucket and seeing people die in the streets, hand washing laundry, no refrigeration, no television. He said he didn’t have much, and he knew I was for real when I said it didn’t matter. We’re going to be such a great team. We’ve finally got a date where I can come home. I can’t wait to sit next to him. I can’t wait to walk with him next to the river.

I have a video of it, maybe I can post it. The second time he sent it he converted the file in such a way where the frame was really small, but it’s still nice. I can’t post a video here unless I host it somewhere, don’t know if I will But it’s a video of a river. Very nice. I want to say I deserve a quiet life, peaceful, tranquil, etc. But “deserve” is a hard concept for me. I see people dying here, starving.

News
May 6, 2012

I’ve been in agony over my dad.  He disappeared off skype, and I had fiancee call the police. They found him at the hospital, and I felt like we’d all been given a second chance. If he died I would have been in despair. First good news is they are keeping him for a month,  so he’s not alone. Second news is that he should live TWO YEARS. So I can go stay with him next year and be there.

Also, I should be going home in September, the day we’re getting the reservations for is the 6th. I would go home sooner but my other family has fallen on hard times. It’s better to wait, too many reasons to list. I want them all at the wedding.

I was on air the last couple days, and then today dropped off the sharp precipice.  It’s to be expected with my condition. I should rest today, but I’m not tired enough. So I’m just in a depression.

Everything is ok, except for my biology. And yes, some people are predatory assholes, but that’s always true. I can’t account for the variables that put me in a pain state. The variables are always there, I just have to take care of myself.

I’m getting in touch with more people I’ve been away from and not keeping up with while I’ve been here. When I get on skype tomorrow one of my best friends should be on there  🙂 Reason t get up!!

This next week I should just be making lots of reservations and finalizing that wedding.  I’m so numb to all this happening, but am lucid enough to be happy! exclamation point.

Good News Coming :)
May 4, 2012

Good good good news is coming. 

 

Happy. I feel bad for not updating my blog with good news, I’ll get on it asap.