Not Ready

I’m only forty one, I feel like I just got here in adult land, and my dad is dying. I know this happens to lots of other people all the time everywhere, here comes the but… I didn’t want that to be me. It really does hurt as much as people say it does. I didn’t have time to get to know my dad and enjoy a relationship with him as an adult, which in my experience, at least for our family is so much better than childhood. It feels like the fruits of labor, the rewards, one of the few that life offers.

I can’t believe I have to look up cremation information. How can I read it through tears? But this is all on me, the only daughter. I already wanted to come home and get out of this country stat, but now I’m feeling more panicked and heavy of heart making these arrangements, and it’s stressful enough and where it wasn’t it was supposed to be joyous. A new start and a reflection of my time here.

I’m; hurting and I don’t know what to do. I know there is a grieving process. The last major upset I had like this, I dealt with when the person was alive, dying of a terminal illness. When the final news came, I was “ready”. Yet, I feel to this day I haven’t grieved properly, or that’s just the reality of death, it never goes away. There’s this pain.

I can’t believe I have to cremate my own father. All he talks about now are getting legalities in order, which is good. I’m half owner of an estate that he said is worth almost nothing, which is absolutely not true. It’s my dad’s way of communicating and processing his ego.

Yes, I understand we need to rewrite the trust. Ok. We’ll do that. In the meantime my dad is dying, I can’t get home for a month and half at least, and he might die alone. Even after I get there, he might die without me, because I’m moving with my new husband. My dad is dying. I told him, don’t do it yet, just wait, just hold on. I like to say that for two reasons. One, it’s kind of funny, two I’m not entirely convinced that does not work. Heard too many stories of people “hanging on” for others, or because they had to for some event they had to see. Of course no, there’s no peer review on this.

He’s got something that means he’ll get weaker and weaker and pass away. This is GOOD. This is the good news. We’re all going to die, and there are variations on that theme and many are painful and without dignity. It seems a cruel joke when life should hand you some reward at the end, instead hands you pain some times so excruciating you want out, and that’s how you go out, in agony. Kevin Smith said that his dad sat straight up and had a look of panic and horror on his face and then was gone. That was his last moment for a “job well done”.

So I was “happy” to hear that this would cause him to fade away gently. My dad is dying.
Yes, thank you for leaving us two 40 plus year old Chilean Wine Palms. Thanks for the 40 acres, thanks for the lot and house in the prime location in the US. Thanks. Yes, we’ll do the trust. I’m not there, time to call hospice. They have to check on you every day.

It bothers me that he said something nice to me when we talked last. Not that he’s mean, but he told me I was great. That’s not him. Those were, “last words” and it was almost accidental which was even scarier. He wasn’t consciously being dramatic, or crossing stuff off his, ‘need to say’ list. So that scared me. Please let that not be a last conversation. (It wasn’t.)

I’m just not in my right mind, but functioning. I knew when other people said their parents were dying or had died that it must have been hard. Of course now I really know. It really really really sucks.
I need to go home.

Lawyer went to immigration either today, or is going another day and will reach my by Wednesday.
Someone traffick us out of here.



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