Archive for April, 2012

RAW! Unedited!!
April 27, 2012


I really should go clean up my entries. I got little sleep last night. My son with disabilities is often up during the night, but quiet enough (same room) on the computer so that I can get good rest. Last night, I could not for the weather, and he was upset about something. First I had to bathe in the middle of the night it was so hot, later on son number two was ticked off at son number one. When this happens he starts yelling things, titles of movies mostly, but that means back off. Son number one is so used to him that sometimes he does not back off and I have to say, ‘I really really do need sleep, not kidding.”

So today I need to be mindful of that and don’t do heavy reading or research or commenting. I’ve already done at least five today and one personal message.

Wow it’s already a half hour before my tutoring appt, and it feels like six am here.  Oh well, those sessions go by quickly and are not taxing, they are actually fun.

No, I cancelled. I’m too tired and hot, I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong. She might interpret my issues as me being upset or bored with her. She also might get bored because of the way I conduct the session, and then she might not look forward to the next one. I need time to myself.

Yesterday my best friend in England shared his screen with me and took me on a walk through his neighborhood using google maps that was SO weird. Because daily he tells me about people that we SAW on google maps, it was so bizarre and hilarious.  And it was more than one person. He showed me one house and said “a one armed man lives there” and then later, OMG there’s the one armed man! He was walking down the street. We had seen this other old guy and my friend said, once, that one armed man beat up that old guy. Then later I got to see this guy he mentions almost on a daily basis. It was so funny.


April 26, 2012


Why didn’t I think of this before? I’m on google maps.
I likely did think of this, and it depressed me. But with my attorney down at immigration today, and the sad news of my dad, and all this talk of property, I wanted to show my friends online where the house was, and decided WOW. Let’s go for a walk!! I’m getting excited.
Now I remember why I didn’t do this before.

Counting on our fingers…
April 26, 2012

Now that I’m awake during the day I have a tutoring distraction during the day, a fun one. I work for energy drinks and tinapay for my youngest. The pupil is going into the third grade and she has tiny little fingers. I know this because we’re doing math and she counts on them. Initially I let her Aunt know that I am only an English teacher, but she said,  No!  She needs help in math!  Because she’s so young it will not be a problem, but I’m really not a math teacher.

Turns out I am a great basic math teacher. It’s really an enjoyable hour, daily. We had to go back to addition basics not only because she counts everything on her fingers, but because it was clear she did not recognize patterns. If she wrote down that 5+5 = 10, then the next problem was 5+6, she was counting the whole thing on her fingers again, and NOT starting with 5. Starting from one.

I could write out a whole list of successive problems. 1+1 1+2 1+3, and she should not see the pattern, but count every one out on her fingers, and she could not even automatically answer 4 to three plus one like most students can do in grade one (I would think). It was as if she did not understand that +1 means the next number up, and she’s to be attending third grade.

She’s a very bright and attentive student, meaning that she can follow along the whole hour and do exactly as I say so that I can help her get these concepts down. She’s also bright in English (her second language) enough so that’s on the back burner while we handle this math crisis.

I did not expect this to be so much fun. Today finally, I was able to write out a string of problems, and she was able to detect the pattern and answer immediately without being bewildered for a few minutes. Because my mental health has been deteriorating so badly, I was surprised that I was able to do this, but not surprised that it’s positive. Occupational therapy is assigned to people entering psychiatric hospitals for a reason. This is also why I chose to color in some picture on the computer, and ended up downloading GIMP. I opened up a pencil drawing, and learning how to color in, and doing it painstakingly until I dropped. This was difficult, but I really feel that it has helped, that and my tutoring and being up during the day, and it’s Summer here so the sun is glaring. (If it’s not Summer here, let me just say wow… it’s hot.)

I keep pasting the hospice information into skype for my dad, and if he does not respond, will have fianceé call from states, which he is not going to want to do… and I’m going to have to beg him. I understand though. It’s the unknown.

And then in my ear… I am on this kick where I listen to you tube videos about serial killers and murder mysteries, investigations, etc. One program after the next, I cannot even count how many of these I’ve heard  lately. I think I’ve watched/heard every single NBC Crime Mystery on You Tube, and now I’m on 48 hours, and here and there, I’ve seen a BBC special or some other show.

Ok, that’s it for now. I have been wanting to document whatever is on my mind for some time now, because that’s also going to help. I was in such a state even a few days ago that I could write nothing. I barely could cough up the entries before this one, and they’re far from ideal. But do I need to say it, this blog is for me. Seems like it has to be a “blog” tho. Dunno why it can’t just be a notepad on my desktop and have the same effect. Even if nobody sees the blog, there’s some semblance of psychological illusion of an objective/outside pressure in thought organization.

Not Ready
April 26, 2012

I’m only forty one, I feel like I just got here in adult land, and my dad is dying. I know this happens to lots of other people all the time everywhere, here comes the but… I didn’t want that to be me. It really does hurt as much as people say it does. I didn’t have time to get to know my dad and enjoy a relationship with him as an adult, which in my experience, at least for our family is so much better than childhood. It feels like the fruits of labor, the rewards, one of the few that life offers.

I can’t believe I have to look up cremation information. How can I read it through tears? But this is all on me, the only daughter. I already wanted to come home and get out of this country stat, but now I’m feeling more panicked and heavy of heart making these arrangements, and it’s stressful enough and where it wasn’t it was supposed to be joyous. A new start and a reflection of my time here.

I’m; hurting and I don’t know what to do. I know there is a grieving process. The last major upset I had like this, I dealt with when the person was alive, dying of a terminal illness. When the final news came, I was “ready”. Yet, I feel to this day I haven’t grieved properly, or that’s just the reality of death, it never goes away. There’s this pain.

I can’t believe I have to cremate my own father. All he talks about now are getting legalities in order, which is good. I’m half owner of an estate that he said is worth almost nothing, which is absolutely not true. It’s my dad’s way of communicating and processing his ego.

Yes, I understand we need to rewrite the trust. Ok. We’ll do that. In the meantime my dad is dying, I can’t get home for a month and half at least, and he might die alone. Even after I get there, he might die without me, because I’m moving with my new husband. My dad is dying. I told him, don’t do it yet, just wait, just hold on. I like to say that for two reasons. One, it’s kind of funny, two I’m not entirely convinced that does not work. Heard too many stories of people “hanging on” for others, or because they had to for some event they had to see. Of course no, there’s no peer review on this.

He’s got something that means he’ll get weaker and weaker and pass away. This is GOOD. This is the good news. We’re all going to die, and there are variations on that theme and many are painful and without dignity. It seems a cruel joke when life should hand you some reward at the end, instead hands you pain some times so excruciating you want out, and that’s how you go out, in agony. Kevin Smith said that his dad sat straight up and had a look of panic and horror on his face and then was gone. That was his last moment for a “job well done”.

So I was “happy” to hear that this would cause him to fade away gently. My dad is dying.
Yes, thank you for leaving us two 40 plus year old Chilean Wine Palms. Thanks for the 40 acres, thanks for the lot and house in the prime location in the US. Thanks. Yes, we’ll do the trust. I’m not there, time to call hospice. They have to check on you every day.

It bothers me that he said something nice to me when we talked last. Not that he’s mean, but he told me I was great. That’s not him. Those were, “last words” and it was almost accidental which was even scarier. He wasn’t consciously being dramatic, or crossing stuff off his, ‘need to say’ list. So that scared me. Please let that not be a last conversation. (It wasn’t.)

I’m just not in my right mind, but functioning. I knew when other people said their parents were dying or had died that it must have been hard. Of course now I really know. It really really really sucks.
I need to go home.

Lawyer went to immigration either today, or is going another day and will reach my by Wednesday.
Someone traffick us out of here.


This week in FAIL
April 1, 2012

More people on you tube talking about objectification and entirely missing main points and strawmanning the feminist position. I don’t know why so many people have this idea that feminism is against men. It’s something they were told, and just believe it. Where are the sources to back this up? Boo hoo, there’s male privilege. Talking about that is anti men? Nice try.

I don’t ever remember reading anything on the objectification of women that even implied men do not experience that in various capacities. I saw the description to a girlwriteswhat video claiming that feminists complain about the objectification of women, but ogling Bratt Pitt is ok.

So this is her understanding of feminism? She demonstrates time and again she has no idea what it is. What feminist says ogling Brad Pitt is ok? People ogling each other generally is “ok”, the critique lies in the fallout of that. There are reasons to discuss women distinctly, recognizing they are a distinct group with their own set of dynamics that might overlap into other gender identifications. Those reasons are the focus, not trying to win the oppression Olympics. Pointing out the distinctions is always a trap because it puts me in full participation of oppression Olympics and feeding into the misconception that feminism pits men against women in the first place. It does no such thing.




Feel I should add that have been formed as a distinct group in particular ways through societal structures and norms. That’s why as the oppressed we’re a group, but other than that, we’re not. That’s the best I can do explaining that at this time. I just re- read my post and felt that was missing.